As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
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This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission