I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
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My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.