Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
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It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
mathematically impossible
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable