[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
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[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
pls suprot
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.