Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.