Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
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ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.