I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
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[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.