My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
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[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.