One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
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No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.