Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
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What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Never be a pizza!
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.