My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*