Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Found my door mat
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.