[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
You Might Also Like
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
The dark side of Canada
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”