Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
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Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Tastes like chicken.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
*puts my mental health in rice
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I