Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
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I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.