I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
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*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Jurassic park gets weird
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish