With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
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Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.