Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
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Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
it’s the silliest best thing
why I oughta
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off