I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
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I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Otters see a butterfly.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.