[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
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They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Merica.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I’m having an out of money experience.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”