Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
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Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
What a website
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
john wicks are toilet candles
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine