it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
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These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Lmao
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.