Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years