My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
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wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
i actually laughed 😩
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.