science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
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Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub