GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
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*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Breaking news:
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
So true for me