I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
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Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.