Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
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“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?