“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
You Might Also Like
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news