My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.