Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
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[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
nyc:
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.