I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
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This checks out
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”