I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
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Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Sign of the day..
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me