Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
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ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish