My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!