[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
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Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
beware of dog
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there