Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.