[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
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start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full