6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
You Might Also Like
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Ovenable?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Realize this:
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee