I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
congratulations to them
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.