A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
You Might Also Like
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.