I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
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Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*