My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class