Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
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me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip