“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
*orders delivery*
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
🍞🦆
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.