One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Guys, I found it.