Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
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Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
A wise man once said nothing.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers