[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Lmaoo 😂
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,