Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.