throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll